I'll always need you...

This past week has been emotional. Summer came to a close. Fears and unknowns of what junior high would bring for my oldest sinking in. Reality hitting me when we walked his schedule Monday and found his locker. Younger Miles telling me repeatedly how proud he is of Finn going into Jr. High and how great it is that he has his own locker. Always admiring and looking up to his big brother. Then the icing on the cake was when Finn gently touched my leg this morning to wake me (just minutes before my alarm was set to go off)..."mom, I just wanted to make sure you had enough time to get ready before we have to leave." His hair styled, teeth brushed, uniform on, smelled good...oh my heart, how the tables have turned.

I went out to the kitchen to make his breakfast only to find he already had. I got dressed and ready as I could sense his excitement for the day and it hit...as it continues to do...he's one step closer to leaving me.

Hot tears stream my cheeks as I try to avoid him so I don't ruin his joyful day. He hears me sniffle...comes over and sees my tears. I smile and say..."I'm so proud of the young man you're becoming. You are so handsome and kind. You have a bright future ahead of you and I'm so excited for you. I stand in awe of how fast you're growing up." *more sniffles*

He hugs me, smiles, and says..."mom, c'mon...its ok. You'll always be my mom and I'll always need and love you."

Needless to say, this did not dry my tears. They flowed harder as he let our hug linger, which is a rare treat these days.

Just yesterday when we went to school we had a hard time opening his locker. We found out later that it is normal...everyone seems to struggle at first. Takes a certain finesse to open the darned things. In the process of trying to figure it out an older girl helped us, we thanked her. I finally got it to open, Finn was trying...I was doing my typical mom stuff..."Honey, turn it this way first, now go past that number, ok, now you have to...." Finn got annoyed with me and embarrassed. The glance he shot me cut through me like a knife. Although it isn't the first time, it was the first time that I was aware of the strings I need to cut. He's ready...and as a wise friend once told me, I'd never want to hold him back. Later we were in a room close by and he walked over to try his locker again and got it open right away.

When we got in the car I apologized for hovering. I validated that he was capable on his own and that I would work on giving him that space. He surprised me by replying that it was ok, that he knew I was just trying to help and that he would try, too.

Suddenly I felt a flurry of emotions that I hadn't felt in a long time...my role is shifting. He doesn't need his shoes tied, his teeth brushed, his breakfast fixed. He doesn't need me hovering over his shoulder calling out direction. He's got this. My parenting duties are switching from hands on to prayers on.

Of course he'll still need me. I am a nosey mom who asks tons of questions and is always in their business. Not to violate, but to help them navigate. I never want them to feel like they have to figure something hard out on their own. I want them to come to me. Talk with me. When something big happens, I want them to share it with me. My how times have changed. I remember when they were babies how exhausted I felt and thinking it would never end. Now I am stumbling on the thought of life slowing when they leave and having too much time on my hands.

I'm learning to embrace this new age. It snuck up on me faster than I could ever imagine. He's still Finn.  I'm still mom. But my volunteering days for reading groups and centers are long gone with this one.

Time to press in on a different level. Time to work on building a more mature relationship with him filled with respect, honesty and inquiring more than directing. He's ready...not sure I am, but here we are.

God, please give me wisdom, guidance and strength for these years of change ahead. I'm beyond thankful for the greatest gift I've ever known...my kids. They have been my top priority since they began and I'm realizing that the parenting role that felt like it would consume my life forever is quickly changing and will some day leave me an empty nester.

Life is such a gift to cherish. Love them big. They will always need me, thankfully. I know I will always need them.