Twenty-eight was my age when my four year, live-in relationship ended. I was left alone, in a state half way across the country from my family, sitting in the corner of his empty closet crying. Wondering...what does the future hold? What am I going to do? I don't have the energy to start over. What are the chances I'll love again?
My cousin recently went through a romantic loss. Life is full of uncertainties and confusion. She asked me if I'd write a piece on love. The wait. The faith walk. My story. So here it goes...
After the break-up I immersed myself in work, self-help books and church. I dug deep. Who was I? Apart from my ex-boyfriend...who was I? Without having to communicate with someone daily, dance emotionally with them daily, focus on their needs daily....who was I?
I think it was around 13 self help books that I read. Or close to. I journaled my way through each one. I made a list of the qualities I'd hoped to find in a future spouse. I took a temperament test. I knew what topics/issues I'd be willing to compromise on and which ones I wouldn't. I knew me the best I was going to at that time. I was ready.
Then...
the wait.
I prayed God would use me. Missions, service, volunteering. Use me and my talents to do his work, however he see fit. I was certain I would not find someone. I was gearing up for a long road of independence. And I was ok with it. I found peace with it. I loved my life.
I also prayed that if God had someone for me, that he would bring him into my life. His timing. His way. His story.
Meanwhile, as I was swimming through my sea of emotions, growth and exploration, my mom mentioned to me that Shane's wife had left him and his baby boy. She saw them at her friends house (who was one of his business clients). I laughed. Newly heartbroken, I was in NO shape to pick up the phone and reach out to another newly damaged soul. I ignored her information and went on my way. Not to mention, I was living in CO and he was still in OH (where I'm from....we were neighbors as kids).
Six months later, my mom mentions that she sees him again. Asks if I could give him my phone number. Feeling a little better, I thought about it. No number. Just email. Safer...
Weeks later she reports back that she was able to get in touch with him and he doesn't know how to email. Who doesn't know how to email?! {which being married for almost 10 years now and doing all of his office work, I fully understand...picture Woodstock typing with his beak} So reluctantly, I agree to share my number.
FOUR MONTHS LATER
Yes, four months. I waited after I shared my number. I thought after one week he was just playing hard to get. Two weeks...still hanging on to hope that he'd call. 3 weeks....forget it. He wasn't interested.
It was four months later that I was visiting my family in Ohio and someone mentioned that he had been talking about me when they saw him at a bon fire the weekend before. What?! He's talking about me....now? So I told my friend...if he's so interested, have him call me. I'm here, in Ohio, now.
My phone R I N G S
What?!
I answer....hello Shane.
How did you know it was me?
Didn't 'said friend' just call you and tell you to call me?
No
{awkward silence}
Shane: Hang on....my other line is ringing. Its 'said friend'.
God was writing a story, alright. My hair stood on end and I got goosebumps. Shane had my number for 4 months and decided (on his own free will) to call me at that exact moment, before my 'said friend' had the chance to call and tell him I was in town.
Shane came over that night and we stood around a bon fire of our own till 4am talking.
I flew back to CO the next day confused, excited and wondering what in the world God had up his sleeve. For about a month we talked at night about all kinds of things....like what we'd compromise on and what we couldn't. ; ) Good thing I knew those answers already.
Given my heart was starting to have feelings, I flew back to Ohio weeks later and surprised him. I needed to know as I looked in his eyes if this 'thing' was for real. It was.
It was later that summer that I tried to rent my CO home for a month....not one call. I put it on the market....sold in a week. I was moving back to Ohio to explore a relationship with Shane. Age 29.
Nothing is ever perfect and easy (at least in my experience) so it was a good thing I sold my home in CO or I may have walked away from Shane when we argued. Or may have come running back to beautiful CO, where I fell in love with the land, instead of sticking it out in Ohio. But one winters day, on top of Copper Mountain on a vacation ski trip to CO, Shane proposed.
I think his family was hesitant of our quick courtship, given all he had been through. Which I fully understood. But one of the things I told Shane from day one (that I would not compromise on again) was having another 4 year relationship go nowhere. I wanted to get married if I was going to be serious with anyone again. I no longer wanted to provide the milk without buying the cow.
A wise girlfriend of mine would always say....he'll either love me for who I am, or he won't! So true. I told Shane from day one that my hope/dream was to be married...even when he was just coming off of a divorce. I knew he was scared and hesitant...but I was scared to wait. He'd either love me for who I was...all of it, or he wouldn't. After several heartbreaks, I was able to look at things more constructively than before and knew that if it didn't work out...it was for the best.
October 5, 2006 we were married. (age 30) Beautiful, little vineyard in Kenwood, Cali. Under 15 guests. Small. Quiet. Perfect. We loved every minute. It was such a fun day.
Only 4 short months after we were married I was pregnant with Finn. And 3 years later we'd have Miles. Fully aware of this immense blessing, I have always tried to take meals to those in need (especially new moms and grieving families). Its one small way I try to love back after being given so much.
In less than six years God took me from a weeping single girl in an empty ex-boyfriend's closet to married, mother of two in a home of our own.
The best part of this story. My ex-boyfriend was an atheist. Or believed in the 'Universe'. Far from my Christian upbringing and faith. My ONE contingency (above any other) that I would not compromise on again....unequally yoked.
When xboy and I broke up I dove back in my faith. Big time. My nephew was battling cancer and my world desperately needed some Jesus. I was baptized, at 28. I was new again.
Shane and I have had an amazing journey. Its never easy....hard work, communication, and compromise are all every day efforts in a marriage. Raising a blended family presents its own set of factors that can affect a marriage. I'm not saying its been strawberries & roses. But I can say that I love him and appreciate him more today that I did then. Despite the hiccups along the way, our relationship has grown stronger, deeper and become more fun. Our kids are now 5 and 8, my stepson 13. We are in a different phase of parenting. Different phase of life. Each phase has its joys (and challenges ; ). God gave me a godly man. Over the years, between the challenges we've faced, I've seen his heart soften, his faith grow deeper and his love multiply.
So fall all of you single girls out there...if your dream/desire is to one day have a relationship, too, hang in there. Focus on your gifts you've been given to share, your dreams, your desires...you just never know the story God is writing for you. You just never know what lies ahead... I hope that in some way our story brings you encouragement and love. And when you feel the ride start to take a turn, fasten your seatbelt. God tends to write adventures. : )
My cousin recently went through a romantic loss. Life is full of uncertainties and confusion. She asked me if I'd write a piece on love. The wait. The faith walk. My story. So here it goes...
After the break-up I immersed myself in work, self-help books and church. I dug deep. Who was I? Apart from my ex-boyfriend...who was I? Without having to communicate with someone daily, dance emotionally with them daily, focus on their needs daily....who was I?
I think it was around 13 self help books that I read. Or close to. I journaled my way through each one. I made a list of the qualities I'd hoped to find in a future spouse. I took a temperament test. I knew what topics/issues I'd be willing to compromise on and which ones I wouldn't. I knew me the best I was going to at that time. I was ready.
Then...
the wait.
I prayed God would use me. Missions, service, volunteering. Use me and my talents to do his work, however he see fit. I was certain I would not find someone. I was gearing up for a long road of independence. And I was ok with it. I found peace with it. I loved my life.
I also prayed that if God had someone for me, that he would bring him into my life. His timing. His way. His story.
Meanwhile, as I was swimming through my sea of emotions, growth and exploration, my mom mentioned to me that Shane's wife had left him and his baby boy. She saw them at her friends house (who was one of his business clients). I laughed. Newly heartbroken, I was in NO shape to pick up the phone and reach out to another newly damaged soul. I ignored her information and went on my way. Not to mention, I was living in CO and he was still in OH (where I'm from....we were neighbors as kids).
Six months later, my mom mentions that she sees him again. Asks if I could give him my phone number. Feeling a little better, I thought about it. No number. Just email. Safer...
Weeks later she reports back that she was able to get in touch with him and he doesn't know how to email. Who doesn't know how to email?! {which being married for almost 10 years now and doing all of his office work, I fully understand...picture Woodstock typing with his beak} So reluctantly, I agree to share my number.
FOUR MONTHS LATER
Yes, four months. I waited after I shared my number. I thought after one week he was just playing hard to get. Two weeks...still hanging on to hope that he'd call. 3 weeks....forget it. He wasn't interested.
It was four months later that I was visiting my family in Ohio and someone mentioned that he had been talking about me when they saw him at a bon fire the weekend before. What?! He's talking about me....now? So I told my friend...if he's so interested, have him call me. I'm here, in Ohio, now.
My phone R I N G S
What?!
I answer....hello Shane.
How did you know it was me?
Didn't 'said friend' just call you and tell you to call me?
No
{awkward silence}
Shane: Hang on....my other line is ringing. Its 'said friend'.
God was writing a story, alright. My hair stood on end and I got goosebumps. Shane had my number for 4 months and decided (on his own free will) to call me at that exact moment, before my 'said friend' had the chance to call and tell him I was in town.
Shane came over that night and we stood around a bon fire of our own till 4am talking.
I flew back to CO the next day confused, excited and wondering what in the world God had up his sleeve. For about a month we talked at night about all kinds of things....like what we'd compromise on and what we couldn't. ; ) Good thing I knew those answers already.
Given my heart was starting to have feelings, I flew back to Ohio weeks later and surprised him. I needed to know as I looked in his eyes if this 'thing' was for real. It was.
It was later that summer that I tried to rent my CO home for a month....not one call. I put it on the market....sold in a week. I was moving back to Ohio to explore a relationship with Shane. Age 29.
Nothing is ever perfect and easy (at least in my experience) so it was a good thing I sold my home in CO or I may have walked away from Shane when we argued. Or may have come running back to beautiful CO, where I fell in love with the land, instead of sticking it out in Ohio. But one winters day, on top of Copper Mountain on a vacation ski trip to CO, Shane proposed.
I think his family was hesitant of our quick courtship, given all he had been through. Which I fully understood. But one of the things I told Shane from day one (that I would not compromise on again) was having another 4 year relationship go nowhere. I wanted to get married if I was going to be serious with anyone again. I no longer wanted to provide the milk without buying the cow.
A wise girlfriend of mine would always say....he'll either love me for who I am, or he won't! So true. I told Shane from day one that my hope/dream was to be married...even when he was just coming off of a divorce. I knew he was scared and hesitant...but I was scared to wait. He'd either love me for who I was...all of it, or he wouldn't. After several heartbreaks, I was able to look at things more constructively than before and knew that if it didn't work out...it was for the best.
October 5, 2006 we were married. (age 30) Beautiful, little vineyard in Kenwood, Cali. Under 15 guests. Small. Quiet. Perfect. We loved every minute. It was such a fun day.
Only 4 short months after we were married I was pregnant with Finn. And 3 years later we'd have Miles. Fully aware of this immense blessing, I have always tried to take meals to those in need (especially new moms and grieving families). Its one small way I try to love back after being given so much.
In less than six years God took me from a weeping single girl in an empty ex-boyfriend's closet to married, mother of two in a home of our own.
The best part of this story. My ex-boyfriend was an atheist. Or believed in the 'Universe'. Far from my Christian upbringing and faith. My ONE contingency (above any other) that I would not compromise on again....unequally yoked.
When xboy and I broke up I dove back in my faith. Big time. My nephew was battling cancer and my world desperately needed some Jesus. I was baptized, at 28. I was new again.
Shane and I have had an amazing journey. Its never easy....hard work, communication, and compromise are all every day efforts in a marriage. Raising a blended family presents its own set of factors that can affect a marriage. I'm not saying its been strawberries & roses. But I can say that I love him and appreciate him more today that I did then. Despite the hiccups along the way, our relationship has grown stronger, deeper and become more fun. Our kids are now 5 and 8, my stepson 13. We are in a different phase of parenting. Different phase of life. Each phase has its joys (and challenges ; ). God gave me a godly man. Over the years, between the challenges we've faced, I've seen his heart soften, his faith grow deeper and his love multiply.
So fall all of you single girls out there...if your dream/desire is to one day have a relationship, too, hang in there. Focus on your gifts you've been given to share, your dreams, your desires...you just never know the story God is writing for you. You just never know what lies ahead... I hope that in some way our story brings you encouragement and love. And when you feel the ride start to take a turn, fasten your seatbelt. God tends to write adventures. : )
Comments
Post a Comment