There has been an impression on my heart for years (probably over a decade) to write a book about our experience in blending our little family. I actually wrote a book when I was in the thick of it. But as I read through it, it was more a platform for me to express my woes than a place of vulnerability and transparency that could potentially help others. So I tabled it. For over 5 years.
Just recently I have started working on it again. From scratch. Started over. Its more of a memoir styled book which explains to you how I got the the place of being a full-time stepmom, what it felt like to live with that title for over six years, and where it led our family, now six years later, with all of our flaws.
As I've written before, my dad passed in December of 2014. That sadness. That depth of grief...changed me. We also built a home and moved cross country that following year. To say the very least, we've had our plates full. I even hit a few episodes where the combination of grief and stress made me physically ill. Like go into urgent care and get 2 bags of fluids without peeing, ill. It hasn't been for more than the last year that I finally feel like I may be getting my legs back underneath me.
Of course we still have challenges and life is always full of obstacles. But I have really worked on finding ways to cope with the stresses, the grief, the changes. I've worked on finding balance. Working on the things I can control and releasing the ones I cannot. With this journey, I have started writing our story.
There are many times that God will 'nudge' me to do something. I felt the call to take pictures and I've had a successful photography business for over a decade now. I felt the call to move west and even though many doors were shut and we faced 'no's for answers for years, the drive was there to continue pursuing the dream and now, here we are...
So when God has continued to put the thoughts in my head that I should share our story...our triumphs and failures, I'm trying to be obedient. But this task is close to home. This story involves lives. Our lives. And sharing this story makes me very uncomfortable.
Yet I see divorce rates continue to soar. People move on. Families blend. This isn't something that is rare and unheard of (like it was when my parents divorced). Its common. Its accepted.
With divorce rates on the rise, comes a mixed bag of so many emotions for all the little people that get caught up in it. We have three little people of our own that deal with the aftermath of my husbands first marriage ending. Even tho he is my first husband and our boys would make a nuclear unit, my stepson throws a new ball in the game. My boys have a half brother. They only see him a couple times a year (he lives with his mom out of state). When he does visit, it is challenging for all of us as he lives in a different home with different spiritual beliefs and rules. My kids come to me for weeks after his visit with stories and questions about why he says and does certain things that they don't understand. I'm sure he feels uncomfortable staying somewhere that is different from what he calls home. He's told us many times that he doesn't like staying with us. I completely understand...I remember going to my dads when I was little, after my parents divorced. I remember his second wife, and third. Both were very different. Both had different relationships and ways of life than I was used to, which made me feel on guard when I would visit him. As I became an adult and a mother myself, I grew a closer relationship to my stepmom. But that took time, life experience and perspective that my stepson doesn't have just yet.
So I started up a Instagram and Facebook page to promote the idea of "MOTY" or "Mother of the Year". A place where ALL moms can come into community. Biological, adoptive, step, foster...all moms. I've made so many mistakes along the way that my friends tease me about earning the MOTY award. Thus the beginning of MOTYs Unite.
I'd love for you to follow along. Share you stories. Maybe I can offer something that could be encouraging along the way. I feel like blended families are such a secret topic. No one really likes to hear that they are HARD. No one likes to talk about the messy emotions that are part of the scene. No one likes to admit failure in fumbling their way through. I think if we did talk about these things...maybe, just maybe, there could be healing and acceptance. There could be a change in expectations that would take the blame off of the stepparents and the stepchildren for feeling guilty about saying...this is hard! There could be love. There could be healthy boundaries.
Divorce happens. It will continue to happen. Families will continue to blend. Yet its so hard to find people who are willing to talk about what this looks like. The good, the bad and the ugly. I'm terrified of being ridiculed, to be honest with you. As I have caught a lot of grief being a stepmom. And I STILL have not figured it out. My stepson and I (who used to be very close at one point) barely have a functioning relationship now. I am not a shiny example of what to do or who to be. Yet God keeps nudging me...just share your story. So here we go...
Just recently I have started working on it again. From scratch. Started over. Its more of a memoir styled book which explains to you how I got the the place of being a full-time stepmom, what it felt like to live with that title for over six years, and where it led our family, now six years later, with all of our flaws.
As I've written before, my dad passed in December of 2014. That sadness. That depth of grief...changed me. We also built a home and moved cross country that following year. To say the very least, we've had our plates full. I even hit a few episodes where the combination of grief and stress made me physically ill. Like go into urgent care and get 2 bags of fluids without peeing, ill. It hasn't been for more than the last year that I finally feel like I may be getting my legs back underneath me.
Of course we still have challenges and life is always full of obstacles. But I have really worked on finding ways to cope with the stresses, the grief, the changes. I've worked on finding balance. Working on the things I can control and releasing the ones I cannot. With this journey, I have started writing our story.
There are many times that God will 'nudge' me to do something. I felt the call to take pictures and I've had a successful photography business for over a decade now. I felt the call to move west and even though many doors were shut and we faced 'no's for answers for years, the drive was there to continue pursuing the dream and now, here we are...
So when God has continued to put the thoughts in my head that I should share our story...our triumphs and failures, I'm trying to be obedient. But this task is close to home. This story involves lives. Our lives. And sharing this story makes me very uncomfortable.
Yet I see divorce rates continue to soar. People move on. Families blend. This isn't something that is rare and unheard of (like it was when my parents divorced). Its common. Its accepted.
With divorce rates on the rise, comes a mixed bag of so many emotions for all the little people that get caught up in it. We have three little people of our own that deal with the aftermath of my husbands first marriage ending. Even tho he is my first husband and our boys would make a nuclear unit, my stepson throws a new ball in the game. My boys have a half brother. They only see him a couple times a year (he lives with his mom out of state). When he does visit, it is challenging for all of us as he lives in a different home with different spiritual beliefs and rules. My kids come to me for weeks after his visit with stories and questions about why he says and does certain things that they don't understand. I'm sure he feels uncomfortable staying somewhere that is different from what he calls home. He's told us many times that he doesn't like staying with us. I completely understand...I remember going to my dads when I was little, after my parents divorced. I remember his second wife, and third. Both were very different. Both had different relationships and ways of life than I was used to, which made me feel on guard when I would visit him. As I became an adult and a mother myself, I grew a closer relationship to my stepmom. But that took time, life experience and perspective that my stepson doesn't have just yet.
So I started up a Instagram and Facebook page to promote the idea of "MOTY" or "Mother of the Year". A place where ALL moms can come into community. Biological, adoptive, step, foster...all moms. I've made so many mistakes along the way that my friends tease me about earning the MOTY award. Thus the beginning of MOTYs Unite.
I'd love for you to follow along. Share you stories. Maybe I can offer something that could be encouraging along the way. I feel like blended families are such a secret topic. No one really likes to hear that they are HARD. No one likes to talk about the messy emotions that are part of the scene. No one likes to admit failure in fumbling their way through. I think if we did talk about these things...maybe, just maybe, there could be healing and acceptance. There could be a change in expectations that would take the blame off of the stepparents and the stepchildren for feeling guilty about saying...this is hard! There could be love. There could be healthy boundaries.
Divorce happens. It will continue to happen. Families will continue to blend. Yet its so hard to find people who are willing to talk about what this looks like. The good, the bad and the ugly. I'm terrified of being ridiculed, to be honest with you. As I have caught a lot of grief being a stepmom. And I STILL have not figured it out. My stepson and I (who used to be very close at one point) barely have a functioning relationship now. I am not a shiny example of what to do or who to be. Yet God keeps nudging me...just share your story. So here we go...
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