Over fall break the boys and I drove up to Mount Rushmore. On the way home we drove through Custer State Park. This is one of my favorite photos taken of Sylvan Lake. The way the water calmed long enough to have a seamless reflection of the rocks...breathtaking.
This image symbolizes BALANCE to me. As the rocks look like they're calm and perfectly placed on top of their reflection. But all it takes is one gust of wind or even a light breeze and the beautiful reflection is lost.
Isn't life that way? I feel like I have things figured out and things are going fairly well and then...BAM...something gets thrown into the mix that was completely unexpected.
Our blended family has felt this way, as well. Some days things look beautiful and balanced. Others...we're a hot mess.
My stepson didn't come for the holidays this year. He came to visit this past summer while my boys and I were in Ohio visiting (and I was working). It was good for him to have that one on one with his dad. He came again for two weeks at Halloween and had lots of time with my boys. He lives out of state with his mom and doesn't like to fly solo, so with school/work schedules, time is limited.
My heart aches for my husband and boys when we don't see him as I know how much they love him and enjoy his visits. As much as I want to get along with him, we can't seem to find resolution. It wasn't always that way...we were really tight when I first married Shane. But as the years progressed and 'stuff' happened, we now barely speak to each other when he is here.
Finding balance when he visits has become something I need desperately. I don't want to argue with him or my husband...yet I'm also trying to raise two other kids in this house that are brought up on different beliefs and expectations. He is passionate about video games, youtube and social media. I am passionately against them. So trying to give him the freedom to be on the xbox and his laptop playing things my boys are not allowed to, breeds tension. Its hard.
After he leaves I typically hear little comments that are made about me from my boys. Some of them they share because they're trying to process why someone they love (him) would bash someone else they love (me). Its all part of the scene and what I feel to be 'normal' for blended families but for some reason, I don't feel like society accepts this dynamic as anything near normal.
I am blessed with a lot of wonderful friends and family. Most of which have nuclear families. We all have a 'stuff' we deal with in our marriages and I'm not trying to cry wolf here. However, there have been many times when I've been judged for saying things like...its hard, I'm angry, can you believe this?
He's just a kid. Don't take it personally. Give him time. One day he'll love you and thank you.
Maybe?
But I trip on these words because to me, the tone and delivery translate to...
Quit complaining. You're too hard on him. I can't believe you feel that way.
To me, society expects blended families to look, feel and act like a nuclear family. But we aren't wired that way. I know people who have been divorced a long time (one for over 15 years) and when the parents, by chance, were both single again...the grown child asked if they'd get back together.
We're wired to be a nuclear family. We long for it. I was 12 when my parents divorced. I had two stepmoms from my dad's two other marriages. I never got to a place where I felt complete 'peace' with everything/everyone. There was always tension...even after my dads death.
Today's divorce rates are proof that blended families are happening more and more.
So why can't we change the expectation? Why can't we allow them to be in a category of their own? Why can't stepchildren say, "I don't want to spend time with my stepparent", without being looked at crooked? Why can't stepparents say, "This is hard" without being frowned upon?
When you're divorced and remarry YOU are choosing that new person. You dated them and fell in love with them. Your child did not. Nor did your new spouse meet your child and fall in love with them and then decide to marry you. Letting those relationships happen organically instead of trying to stuff them into a nuclear box would be so much healthier and easier, wouldn't you say?
I wish I could start over again with my stepson and just be me. He wouldn't have to rely on me. He wouldn't have to be raised by me (while his mom was living out of state the first six years of our marriage). He wouldn't have to figure out where he fit in when I brought two other baby boys home. I wish he could've had more of his mom during those times. More balance between mom and dad. I wish that their relationship was healthier which would've benefited his emotional health. That I wasn't his stand-in 'mom' but I could just be there, like a playmate or a fun aunt...and when he was ready to have a relationship with me, he could choose to. When I earned his trust, he could open up.
Unfortunately, that wasn't a choice for either of us during those six years. If he craved a mom, I was the closest warm body around but not his choice. I got his tears, his anger, his frustration and his confusion. I did my best to love him through it but he also got my tears, anger, frustration and confusion. We both did the best we could with a hard situation. One I didn't feel comfortable sharing with anyone. So those years were lonely and dark for me. Shame, blame and guilt were coats I wore regularly.
There is so much scar tissue...I wonder if it will ever fully heal. We both carry wounds we placed on each other.
But if I can help ONE family...its worth sharing my story. If I can change one mind... If I can encourage one stepmom/stepdad... If I can bring peace to one stepchild...its worth opening up a conversation society often tends to hush.
Many believe that step family members should love each other as nuclear family members do. Some have had the privilege to organically grow those relationships and they are blessed to feel that way. But the reality for me (and I'm guessing many others) is that love is a messy word when it comes to blending families.
Do I love my stepson? Of course. Do I love him the way I love my boys? No.
Likewise, I'm sure he doesn't love me the same way he loves his mom.
My whole point to this conversation is....it should be OK to say that. No guilt. No shame. No blame.
Yet if I would say that to many of my nuclear family friends...awkward silence. It sounds cold. It does. But guess what...blended families should not be compared to nuclear families. Its not cold...its emotional truth that should be discussed and accepted. I would never expect my stepmom(s) to love me the same as their own kids. Nor did I love them anywhere near my love for my mom. But I have never felt safe to say that. Why?
I wouldn't expect my stepson to love me the way he loves his mom. I'm ok that he doesn't love me the way he loves his mom.
The taboo topic here is....are you ok with it?
If not....why not? Did you cringe when I said that I loved him differently? Why?
I have heard biological parents rage about things their own kids did worse than stepparents but the second a stepparent says anything derogatory about a stepchild...shame. blame. guilt.
Let's work towards grace. peace. compassion.
I like those words. Those words breed healing.
With all the push in this world to accepts others as they are...why can't we accept stepfamilies as they are? Messy love and all.
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