If Only...

One our dear friends had a terrible tragedy where they lost their daughter at a very young age, unexpectedly. Since Hudson was friends with her, we had many conversations with him about God, life, love, and heaven.  We worked hard to help him find peace through a difficult and shocking time. Finn was little.  I don’t remember his exact age, but maybe one or two?

  
One afternoon as Shane and I were talking in the kitchen about our friends daughter being in heaven, Hudson asked if she would ever come back?  We said no...and tried, again, to explain the finality of death to his young, impressionable heart.

He stood there, quiet for a bit, then made a statement to Shane that would scar my heart for the rest of my life.

 
*****
“Daddy, if Leila (what he used to call me) dies...then you could go back and marry mommy again!  Annnnnnd….we could take Finn with us!!!”
*****

I know, I know...he’s just a child.  I know, I know...many children of divorce fantasizes about their original family unit miraculously healing and being together in a healthy way.  I know, I know...I’m the adult.  I know, I know...he didn’t mean to hurt me.

The excitement in his voice was the range of Christmas morning.  I felt like someone took a footlong stake and drove it into my chest.  It took my breath away.  It slayed me in ways I cannot describe.  Tears dripped down my cheeks and love bled out of my soul.  I took a few steps backward, caught my breath, then disappeared into another room.

Years.........I had been the one there.  I had held him while he cried for his mom.  I had loved him like he was my own.  I had worked hard and determined that one day I’d break through his wounds and he’d love me the way I had grown to love him.  I washed his clothes, brushed his teeth, trimmed his nails, bathed his bottom.  I knew his favorite color.  I knew his friend's names.  I knew what he wanted to be when he grew up.  I knew his favorite foods.  I knew when he was lying.  I knew his eyes.  I knew his soul. I thought, if nothing else, he would love me out of appreciation for me being there when his mom wasn’t.

But he...he didn’t love me.  I was just a wall.  The wall that trapped him inside our little blended family.  The wall that kept him from his mom.  The wall he was stuck looking at when he really wanted to be on the other side.  The wall that confined him to a family he didn’t want to be a part of.

His deepest yearning...his best solution...was for me to go away, f o r e v e r.  Then, he could have what he really wanted…his family unit intact with my baby boy in tow.  

If I would just disappear, all of his troubles would dissolve.  If I could just vanish...he would be happy.  Happy like Christmas morning.
…
Friends, let me tell you that step-parenting is about as glamorous as sweeping out the garbage truck at the end of a shift.  It is a thankless job.  It is a scary job.  It is an exhausting job.  Its dirty.  People judge you.  People look down on you like you weren’t successful at doing things right the first time.  But this was my first time.

Something hit me when those words came out of his mouth. I could go through all the motions in the world that the very best mother's exercise but it would never be enough.  He didn’t want me.  He just needed me to fill the void.  I was the replacement.  I was the cheap knock off of his mother.  I was just a hurdle in his grand plan.

Things started shifting in my heart.  I tried to get over it.  I tried to be the bigger person.  I tried to release it.  I forgave him as he was just a child...but knowing the true longings of his heart changed me.  He was no longer the only person in the house who was broken.
…
I began to wonder what it would be like if I could be a ‘normal’ stepmom.  As if there is even an outline of what this looks like.  Two healthy parents who had something go wrong in their marriage, but still loved their kids and would communicate on a healthy, functional level for their sake.  Two parents who did all the nitty gritty necessity stuff for the kids so the step-parents wouldn’t be expected to take on the job of raising their kids.  Two parents who engaged with their children and filled up their love tanks on a regular basis so the children wouldn’t resent the step-parents, but instead they would feel enough peace and love from their own parents that they didn’t ‘need’ anything from the step-parents other than a functioning friendship.

I could do that.
I could do functioning friendship.  

I could play the friend every other weekend and a few evenings a month.  I could play that stepmom role all day long!  If Shane and his ex did all of the parental stuff for him and I wasn’t asked to step in...would he have a functional friendship with me?  What if his parents filled up his love tank and he was a whole, healthy person who could welcome me into a place all of my own in his heart?  Would I no longer be ‘the wall’ between him and his idealistic dreams?  If I wasn’t expected to be the replacement mom while his mom lived far away, would he actually want to spend time with me?

This was my crazy dream of an idealistic situation.  

But that typically isn’t how life works.  Usually divorce happens because there is dysfunction, lack of communication, and disdain.  Divorce is nasty.  Ugly.  Grueling.  If two married adults have healthy communication about raising the kids and a mutual respect for each other, there's a good chance they are still married.

Not only that, but if divorce happens, and the kids are going from house to house...chances are that the parents are going to need help/support.  They’re going to ask from time to time...can you watch the kids?  Can you feed them dinner?  Can you take them to their ball practice/game?  Because that’s how most nuclear marriages work.  That’s the norm.  And from what society told me...the goal of a blended family is to act and look like a nuclear family.  If it wasn't going right, I was doing something wrong.

But when it's the step parent that’s taking on everyday parental duties...trouble brews in paradise.

Listen, I’m not preaching from a place of dissociation.  My parents divorced when I was 12.  I don’t think either of them EVER left me with a step-parent.  My mom, in fact, never remarried after the divorce.  She led a full and single life the rest of her days (till present).  But I can tell you that if my dad would’ve taken me for visitation and left for work...leaving me with my stepmom...trouble would be brewing.  I wouldn’t want to leave my own mom to go to his house only to be left spending the day with my stepmom.  She could take my tween self to Disneyland and I would still feel left out.  Unwanted. Like leftovers.  That was MY time with him.  Blended families bring out emotions in your soul you didn’t know you were capable of having.

Likewise, Hudson didn’t want to be left with me.  Yet we found ourselves in that situation more than either of us preferred.  Every day we were set up for failure, disappointment and challenged as I was the one trying to fill the void and tending to his broken heart.  I imagine it just felt like salt on a wound for him.  But there was nothing I could do about it.

I spent a lot of my days thinking about the ‘if onlys’ in my life.  Just as Hudson, obviously, did too.  It's a long, weary, lonely road when you feel that way.  But we made it through.  I wish I could say we did it successfully...but our relationship is still scarred.  Practically non-existent. 

I spent a lot of time in prayer.  Like, A LOT.  I still do.

I beg for wisdom, answers, protection.  My head and heart were constantly brewing with mixed emotions.  I was blessed with so much love in our family yet beat down with the daily challenges of being a full-time stepmom.  I truly, deeply, love my husband and aside from me failing him in my step-motherly duties, our marriage is easy and we are typically on the same page about things.  I loved being home with the kids and I would work in our home office till 2 or 3am most nights just to have that luxury.  I appreciated and respected the long work days Shane put in as I knew he was trying to provide for us the best way he knew how. In a nuclear family, this is ideal. We all did the best we knew how.

I had been blessed with a little guy of my very own (eventually two). Finn loved my bedtime routines, snuggles and cooking. His eyes lit up when I walked in the room. He loved me even on my worst mothering days. He’d thank me all the time with kisses and hugs. I finally knew what it felt like to have the endless work of motherhood feel appreciated. He wanted me.  He didn’t want me to go away to be with someone else.  I was his jam. Having this type of love in my life was the biggest blessing.  It was validating and reassuring when everything else I had attempted felt like I majorly failed.  I was doing one thing right.

The days passed.  The years passed.  We all did our best.

I was in survival mode.  I imagine Hudson felt the same.  I think we all were.

Walls went up. Everywhere.

Walls to protect, to compartmentalize, to function.  We’d got through it...I knew we would.  All of us just wanted to love and be loved.  And where there is love, there is a way.

Hudson has lived with his mom full-time for the last 7 years (out of state). Since Shane and I started dating, it was around the same stretch of time that he was with us full time. When he first left to live with her, I thought I had a responsibility to be an involved parent. I was so used to being the stand-in mom, it felt weird releasing those duties. I know now that it wasn't my place.  I'm sure I stepped on countless toes and ruffled far too many feathers. I've learned to back off. He has wonderful mom who loves him and fills his tank. She doesn't need me weighing in on things and I have found peace in letting them go. I feel like this 'balance' of involvement (or uninvolvement) is a scale that is constantly moving.

When he visits us it is still awkward. We have different rules and beliefs than he's used to. Trying to raise my two (biological) boys while he is here (expecting different treatment than they get) presents a whole new set of challenges.  Each time he comes we learn new things that need attention and resolution.  It has slowly gotten better with time, but it is still not ideal.

Who knows, maybe...someday...Hudson and I will find our way back to a healthy relationship.  Or at least, a functioning friendship.